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Aug 27, 2008

Warning

An open letter to all future fathers. Actually, it's more like a warning.

Dear Future Fathers,

Congratulations on your new role in life. I'm sure you're terrified and maybe, if your partner is really lucky, even a little excited. I have no experience in the post-partum area, so I can't say if it will get better or worse, but people seem to like their kids. I'm taking that as a good sign.

I'd just like to issue a blanket statement in case the situation ever arises between you and your partner. DON'T SIDE WITH THE CAT. I mean it. When your very pregnant and not-sleeping-well partner attempts, at great risk of pain and peril, to kick the cat off the bed so she can try to roll over, don't stand up for the cat and hold and protect him from her. Just don't. She's not going to hurt the cat, not going to give it away. She's just trying to get some leg room for herself. When you tell her that the cat is all the way on your side of the bed, and she responds by pointing out that you are in the middle of the bed and the cat is walking on her very sore back, don't get mad and tell her that her pillows are taking up too much room. Again, just don't do it. You're not going to win this argument, but you're just going to make life exceedingly difficult for everyone for the next several hours. She won't be able to go back to sleep and odds are that she'll make sure you don't either. These are not the kinds of interactions that people need to ever have, much less at 4am when one half of the couple is a very pregnant and sore and not-sleeping woman.

This statement can and should be applied to many and varied other situations. In general, don't tell a pregnant woman that she is taking up too much room or that she's being mean by not letting someone/thing do something to her that makes her uncomfortable or causes her pain. Some of you may think that this doesn't or shouldn't need to be stated, but, apparently, it does. Now hear this: the pregnant woman should take priority over the cat.

If you choose not to follow my advice, do not be surprised or alarmed to find cyanide in your coffee, the cat missing, and a very long list of difficult and obnoxious chores for you to do when you get home. Not to mention a sarcastic and very annoyed blog post written about you in the morning which was drafted after the early morning conversation in the head of the rightfully fuming pregnant woman.

Best of luck with everything,
Katie

5 Readers rock!:

Alykat said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

spika said...

I agree, pregnant woman should always come before the cat.. it's 2 against 1 ! :)

Dragonfly said...

The cat can land on its feet, even from 9 stories up. (Not so sure about the husbands).

Anonymous said...

hilarious!

Carrie said...

Oh my god, I just died of laughter.