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Sep 2, 2008

Sandpaper

I've been working on a post for a few days that sums up how I've been feeling and what's been happening, but I just read through it and decided to delete it. In a nutshell: I've been in a lot of pain, depressed, not sleeping, stressed about some of those Life Issues that come up, and, basically miserable. There's no need for a long post about that - that's all there is. It's not anything that won't go away and I am trying to keep perspective on things, but to be honest, it's been a rough few days. Even Patrick agrees that I have been an easy pregnant lady to deal with - I haven't been overly emotional or had wacky cravings or been obsessive or neglectful or whatever. I've stayed pretty normal. Until now, that is, and I'm making up for lost time.

Whereas blogging usually helps me think things through logically and see a more honest angle about issues, this time it seems to make things worse. Every time I try to write about how I'm feeling or what is bothering me, I end up finding such clear reasons why I should be miserable, justifying that misery and, in a sense, giving myself permission to be miserable. That is not how I like to live, so I've stopped trying to write about it in an effort to convince myself to be happier and treasure the experience that will soon end. Writing about it is too painful, makes things too real and justified, and doesn't help me at all.

It's not that I don't want to share it. In contrast, I WISH I could share it so that anyone else who has been or is going through this might take comfort or offer some thoughts. But it's just too much right now, though perhaps I will be able to write about it later. After.

Perhaps this is unnecessary, but I want to clarify that I recognize how lucky I am. I have had a complication-free pregnancy, have no serious issues to worry about for the birth, and am expecting a perfect baby. Just the fact that we were able to conceive is itself a miracle. I know. I am trying to remind myself of that. But it doesn't make this experience any less difficult or painful or sleepless or emotional. Even though I am so grateful, I still hurt.

8 Readers rock!:

Xavier Emmanuelle said...

Oh Katie, I do hope that you feel better soon. Wish I had more to say, but just know that you're not alone in this. {{HUGS}}

The Scrivener said...

Aww, so sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Life Issues can be rough, especially if they all come at once. I do hope things start looking up soon!

Anonymous said...

The pendulum will swing back for us all soon!
Loves you so much.
M

~Ashley said...

awe, katie! i hate to hear that you're having such a hard time with something so personal. i had (and to some extent still do have issues regarding) one of those stinky life events come up back in june. i do think that time helps everything, but we can never forget what we go through, especially when it hurts so much.

Dragonfly said...

*HUGS*

izzy said...

just wanted to say hi! came accross your blog from xavier's page and thought i'd say how brave you are taking a break from med school to have a wee one. it's so easy to get caught up and just keep going but I think when you go back you'll have that extra edge and experience of course!! wishing you all the best. izzy

spika said...

Hang in there ;)

Long Family Chronicles said...

Katie -- a woman after my own heart!!! You speak truth and your feelings and I LOVE IT!! I know that I will most likely be in your same situation in 3 more months!!! Learn everything you can now so you can teach me how to cope better!!! You are treading through the mucky waters so that I can walk right through them easy!!! :) Hang in there!! PS> Thanks for the scoop on the insulin! I love medical mumbo-jumbo....
Allyson