Dealing

I want to share something that has been plaguing my thoughts for the last two weeks. This is difficult for me to write, but I, for some reason, feel compelled to do so.

I thought I was pregnant. Until I took an at-home test on Friday, I was convinced that Patrick and I were expecting. It was an odd feeling, one that has continued to get stranger with the negative result. Let me explain.

I am almost 3 weeks "overdue". I have been exceedingly nauseous and unable to keep a lot of food down for a little over 2 weeks. I have not had the typical PMS signs that I usually experience, but instead a totally different set of symptoms. Belly and back aches, the intense nausea, and feeling generally tender all over. All symptoms that my sister had when she was in her early stages of pregnancy, I might add.

I was feeling a mix of dread, fear, and overwhelming excitement. As I have mentioned several times, I have only recently discovered my desire to be a mother, so I was not really prepared for this. (Note: this was not expected. As in, we are not TRYING to get pregnant.) However, I also felt so thrilled at the possibility. I delayed taking a test because I was sure that I was imagining things in my head and creating a plausibility for pregnancy that was not real. But evidence never presented itself to the contrary and I continued to worry about this possibility.

So, finally, on Friday, I decided that we should find out for sure. I was convinced that the result would be positive. Patrick and I discussed, at length, the implications of a positive result (which we were sure would be the case). He flipped out while I reassured him. Then I flipped out and he reassured me. We approached it as a team and were ready for our good news.

And then it was only a single blue line. Just one. Not a plus sign, like we'd expected. And hoped.

It has been a little bit devastating. I looked for an "out" (it's only 99% accurate) or an excuse (maybe I haven't built up enough of the hormone yet to trigger the test). Denial is a cruel one. While neither of us had planned for or expected this possibility, we were both secretly excited. Really, really excited. And now that's been taken away. I don't feel as if I "lost a baby" because I, clearly, never had one. However, I do feel like all the wind was taken out of my sails, all of my excitement and anticipation was taken away, leaving me with a vague feeling of missed opportunity and regretfulness.

I am FEELING so much right now, but it's difficult to talk about. Difficult to find words to explain. This is not a good time for us to be pregnant or to have a baby. We have a lot of uncertainty in our life at the moment and... the timing is just not good. But it felt so right. It was so thrilling to have this bond between me and Patrick, even though we didn't have confirmation. It was so excited to envision our lives as they would be with a child, to imagine all of the things we would do together, learn together, all of the love that we would share.

And, as if I needed further evidence as to why I love my husband, Patrick's initial reaction of sadness melted my attempt to hold my emotions together, making me long for a baby more than ever. He followed this with an assessment of the situation. He felt that our reactions and bonding in response to this "near miss" proves that, when the time is right and we are meant to be pregnant, we will be ready for it and we will be thrilled for it. At that time, we will be the parents that we were meant to be.

He's right, of course. But that doesn't stop me from feeling... empty.