Preparation

I am so glad that our friends convinced us to go to these How to Not Kill Yourself or Your Baby classes. Today was the Childbirth Prep class. I was nervous enough going in, then we were late which always makes me crazy, and then there was SO MUCH THAT I DIDN’T KNOW that I might have a dream tonight where I forgot that I signed up for a class and missed the final exam. Some of what we learned, maybe, I would rather not know. Like what an episiotomy looks like or what exactly you can push out during labor. Also one of my greatest fears acknowledged and that is the business with the water breaking. For some reason, my fragile pride is mortified-in-advance at the thought of a gush of water in public somewhere. I shudder at the mere thought.

The nurse who taught our class was absolutely hysterical. Patrick and I were rolling. She had just our sense of humor, a scary thought in itself, and we couldn’t keep it together. I think she actually thought we were humoring her by laughing at all her funnies all day long, but we were beside ourselves. The other people chuckled occasionally, but are apparently not as sophisticated as we three.

The class was all day, in lieu of a few hours a week for 5 weeks. We watched two videos from circa 1980 (no, really) of vaginal deliveries, practiced breathing techniques, learned some massages to help relax, and got so much information that I don’t even remember what we talked about. I was glad for the book they sent home with us that reminded us of everything we learned. I do remember, however, that one of the ladies in the video had such a violent eruption of her fluid that the nurse had to jump out of the way. Worst nightmare: caught on film.

I do have to brag about one thing– I think that I was the best one in the class on the “birthing balls”, which are suspiciously like the Pilates/exercise ball that I practically live on. Everyone else was falling off of theirs and their husbands had to spot them so they didn’t roll off. I was right at home. HA! Behold my skills! However, I didn’t do as well with the Tennis Balls in a Sock massage. It tickled me so much that I tweaked my back. That was a little unfortunate and everyone laughed at me.

All in all it was a great class. The other couples were funny to watch and talk to and it was nice to be in a place that was so open to our ignorance. When should we go to the hospital? Where do we go when we get there? What does an epidural feel like and when do I need to decide if I want one? How much am I allowed to bother the nurses before they shut off the pain medicine? These are questions that, somehow, have just not been answered yet. Thank God we didn’t go into labor early. Patrick would have had to deliver his own son and that is just not acceptable. He’s never even changed a diaper, for crying out loud.

After this class, I feel like I am less prepared and more terrified about all things baby, but am ready to get this show on the road. Zillions of people have done it before me – surely I can pull this off. Right? RIGHT??