Sandpaper

I've been working on a post for a few days that sums up how I've been feeling and what's been happening, but I just read through it and decided to delete it. In a nutshell: I've been in a lot of pain, depressed, not sleeping, stressed about some of those Life Issues that come up, and, basically miserable. There's no need for a long post about that - that's all there is. It's not anything that won't go away and I am trying to keep perspective on things, but to be honest, it's been a rough few days. Even Patrick agrees that I have been an easy pregnant lady to deal with - I haven't been overly emotional or had wacky cravings or been obsessive or neglectful or whatever. I've stayed pretty normal. Until now, that is, and I'm making up for lost time.

Whereas blogging usually helps me think things through logically and see a more honest angle about issues, this time it seems to make things worse. Every time I try to write about how I'm feeling or what is bothering me, I end up finding such clear reasons why I should be miserable, justifying that misery and, in a sense, giving myself permission to be miserable. That is not how I like to live, so I've stopped trying to write about it in an effort to convince myself to be happier and treasure the experience that will soon end. Writing about it is too painful, makes things too real and justified, and doesn't help me at all.

It's not that I don't want to share it. In contrast, I WISH I could share it so that anyone else who has been or is going through this might take comfort or offer some thoughts. But it's just too much right now, though perhaps I will be able to write about it later. After.

Perhaps this is unnecessary, but I want to clarify that I recognize how lucky I am. I have had a complication-free pregnancy, have no serious issues to worry about for the birth, and am expecting a perfect baby. Just the fact that we were able to conceive is itself a miracle. I know. I am trying to remind myself of that. But it doesn't make this experience any less difficult or painful or sleepless or emotional. Even though I am so grateful, I still hurt.