Funk

Reflecting on the conversation I just had with my friend, as well as re-reading my last few posts, I have come to the conclusion that I am sure you all came to days ago. I’m in a little bit of a funk. It’s not a terribly bad one, but it’s a funk nonetheless, and funks are never fun. I think it was brought on by the convergence of several things: Colin’s cold making him constantly needy and wet and cranky, the cold and dark weather, the car battery dying making it impossible for me to leave the house, the fact that my research opportunity that I was so excited about (and was going to pay so well) has pretty much fallen through, not to mention all the turmoil with Patrick’s interviews and trying to decide what we’re going to do with ourselves for the next seven years. All of these things – these things that seem whiny and self-centered when I write them out in a little paragraph like this – they’re bringing me down in a big way.

I hate especially feeling so annoyed with Colin. OBVIOUSLY it is not his fault that he is sick and CLEARLY he can’t do anything about it himself, nor can he tell me what he needs. In fact, I know what he needs; he needs to be snuggled, comforted, loved. (Ha! Just what I was complaining that he didn’t do anymore the other day. I’m never satisfied.) And I want to do those things for him, I want him to feel good and be happy, but the relentlessness of his needs and the constant crying… it is more than my nerves can handle! He seems so miserable, but so am I, for crying out loud!

This, clearly, is not fair to him. Colin is a perfect kid – he sleeps well, he’s happy and sweet. But I can’t enjoy him because I am totally devoid of energy and patience. So this evening I called the day care lady and arranged for day care to start next week. I don’t know if I’ll have a job yet, but it’s time. He needs to meet other people, play with other kids, and I need a moment to myself. There are things to be done, even if I’m not working yet. There are plenty of things to fill my day and I fully intend to make the most of the time. Then I will be able to pick Colin up in the afternoon and be overjoyed to see him, having missed him all day, and cherish the evening with him, as he so deserves. I think that this move alone will all but cure me of my funk and I am really looking forward to being rid of it, for all our sakes.

I did get to leave the house for a little while tonight for a meeting with our realtor to go over the process of selling the house, should we decide or have the opportunity to move. It was reassuring, as we were worried that the market would be such that we wouldn’t be able to sell our house, which appears not to be the case. It was also a little depressing, in that the amount of work to be done is seemingly insurmountable. We’ll have to see how things turn out with Patrick’s match and such, but I think things are moving in a good direction. However, I will be happy when the whole thing is over and we know what is going to happen. All this waiting and wondering and hoping and thinking is driving me nuts.