Emergence

God, the last few months have been hard. Not bad, exactly, but just… hard. Just uncomfortably pressured and rushed and painful, with too much to do in too little time and without a clear end in sight or a reason to be so miserable. It has been dark and cold and fraught with inconvenient illnesses, which do nothing to brighten the mood.

It slapped me in the face the other day as I was walking to my car after another soul-sucking day of clinic. I trudged through the rain-ice mix to my far off parking spot and suddenly felt this overwhelming desire to just lie down on the cold, wet pavement and let the world pass by. The depth of this feeling was such that I had to will my legs to take each step and, once I got to my car, it was like I couldn’t remember why it even mattered that I turn the car on and drive somewhere. I just wanted to sleep, to rest, to be away from everything, to cry, to have something to laugh about.

It didn’t help that I got my scores back from my OB rotation, you know, the one where I worked my little tail off and studied all hours of the day, the one that is representative of what I want to do when I grow up, and those scores were, shall we say, not what I was expecting. I say that through clenched teeth and with a furrowed brow over bulging, bloodshot eyes. I saw them while I was in the library and I actually slumped my head down onto the desk and tried to think calm thoughts so as not to punch a hole through the monitor.

(I am hopeful that there is some mistake, actually, and am pursuing it. Because THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL is about what I’m thinking. Still, though, it does nothing for the mood.)

I know I should look on the bright side, that I should find the good in the situation, that I should take joy in Colin or in getting the dishes done or something, but sometimes there is just nothing you can do but find your way home and mope around for a few days. This has been my strategy and, so far, it hasn’t accomplished anything except make me feel like I should really be doing something about all this.

So.

So, I am picking myself up off of the pavement and driving myself home. I am studying again and am trying to restart the exercise routine. I am breaking out the telescope to find that distant, hidden silver lining and am turning my head defiantly toward the sunny side of the street. And, even though I still have two weeks left of this clinic month, I will learn from it and enjoy it, damn it, even if I have to twist my own arm behind my back and yell threats in my own ear to do it.

I am also making a mental note to consider anti-depressants next winter.