Better Things

How about this? How about we skip the "I'm sorry I dropped that Ball o' News on you and then disappeared for a month" speech and just get on with things? No? Well, I understand that you're feeling toyed with and it is only appropriate to expect an apology. You're right, as usual.

That was totally mean of me to drop that big, long, heavy post on you and THEN drop that big news that I'm actually super pregnant, surprise! and expect you to then dismiss my absence for the last few weeks as flighty and endearing. I'm sorry.

Now! On to better things.

I have officially finished and passed all the required rotations and exams for medical school. I am TOTALLY GOING TO GRADUATE next month and then be a doctor! And I even have a job for afterwards! It is all very exciting and also incredibly overwhelming, especially given that we're throwing a new baby into that already ingredient-heavy mix. It has been difficult for me to even get my head around all the swirly excitement that is going on and so, instead, I spend my days tidying my house and sending emails and hosting parties for various events for school. Essentially, I am delaying taking on this massive responsibility for as long as possible. Also, I'm tired.

I was talking to a friend the other day who was saying how nervous she is about starting residency, what with all the responsibility and such. This has barely even crossed my mind in any serious fashion, as I have so much to do before then, including but not limited to birthing a child, that it is difficult to see past this afternoon much less all the way to AUGUST when I will presumably start working.

That is the way things are looking, by the way, and it simply could not look better. I was so torn about what to do in regards to announcing this pregnancy while going through the interview and match process. In the end, Patrick and I decided to keep it an absolute Eyes-Only secret in the hopes that I would match on my own merits and then apologize after I had a legally binding contract. We worried incessantly about the aftermath of withholding such information and constantly re-evaluated the decision. ("I think if I black out again tomorrow, I have to tell him so he doesn't think I'm a flake in the OR.") ("I need to tell my program something, otherwise I'll lose all of my vacation time since I haven't taken any yet this year.") But we always came to the same conclusion: there would be no way to prove that the pregnancy influenced any decision and it would be better to deal with it after the fact.

The day after I matched, I sent an apologetic but truthful email with all the details. I probably spent an hour drafting it up and I was so nauseous when I sent it that I considered my body was trying to avert a crisis by sabotaging the endeavor. However, I got a reply not twenty minutes later all but saying "Yay for you! No problem, we deal with this stuff all the time. See you soon!" And that was that.

Since then, I have heard from so many people that everyone is excited for me, no one is mad at me, and, specifically, no one questioned my choice of keeping my news to myself until after all the business had been done.

In the meantime, at home, Colin has no idea what is going on, but we've talked up his Baby Sister so much that now he claims to have a baby brother in his own belly. He points to his crib (the "baby bed" and says that his baby sister will go there, but his baby brother will sleep in his Big Boy Bed with him. When asked what we should name his Baby Sister, he has some great ideas, like "Food" and "Nap Time". Santa brought him a little baby in his stocking for Christmas, certainly with the hope that this would help introduce the concept, but now he thinks that THIS is the baby that everyone is talking about and doesn't understand why we keep saying "when the baby gets here". He runs to his room to fetch his baby doll and holds it up, as if he were the stork. Trying to discuss these things with him often makes me feel like I'm in a British comedy - the jokes don't make any sense, sometimes you can't even understand what's being said, but damn it is funny.

Patrick is simply not adjusting to the idea of having a girl. He's just not. I think the hang-up is the cars, and his thought that the only reason that he and Colin get along so well is the shared obsession. I argue both that his new daughter might also enjoy cars, so that does not entirely remove that topic of conversation forever, as well as the fact that there are other things in life that he might choose to share with a daughter, like perhaps cooking or computers or hoarding goodwill clothes or other such hobbies. People keep reassuring him that having a daughter is really no different for the first several years, during which time you can prepare yourself for the dreaded teens, but he seems rather set in his terror.

As for me... I'm actually not sure what to say. I'm thrilled to have another baby, happy in ways that I can't even begin to describe. That we're having a girl gave me joy I didn't even know was possible, like I am filling a previously unknown but inherent desire. But this pregnancy has been incredibly hard, and not only because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My pregnancy with Colin was like butterflies and ice cream on a summer day compared with this one and I spend a lot of time in a good bit of pain. It's hard to feel grateful and excited and joyful, all things I do genuinely feel about this pregnancy, when you're in pain, and that has made these last few months difficult. On top of all that, being alone in it, unable to share what I was going through with anyone, made it a tough winter.

But now it is spring! My exams are done! No more call until after the baby is born! I matched! My baby is healthy, Colin is nothing short of a walking bundle of love (except for those tantrums - ugh TWO!), and the weather is warm and sunny again! Life is good again, and I'm happy to be able to share all of that with you.