Celebration and the Grumps

I know I have been pretty quiet about this pregnancy here (and everywhere). To see me in person, there is absolutely no question about what is going on up in here. I have the waddle, the awkward and constant rubbing of the belly, the weird balance, and the difficulty in moving at all. However, discussing it, even in person but especially online has been difficult for me. Partly because all I want to do is complain. Seriously. I have nothing good to say right now about anything. I am grumpy and sleep-deprived and my body hurts, all making me a very unpleasant person and not someone you really want to hang out with a lot.

But even more than my annoying habit of voicing everything that is wrong with me right now is this underlying nagging, constant fear that I currently live with. I have had issues with this pregnancy. The baby is fine, has always been fine. But my body does not want to be pregnant, and hasn’t for some time. So much so that I’ve been on medicine for the last month or so to try to stay pregnant, in spite of my body’s wishes and actions.

Though I love my doctor, my visits give me heartburn and make my blood pressure skyrocket because I am terrified of what she will say. I am scared my body is overcoming these stupid pills I take everyday and pushing the baby out against my will. Today, I saw my doctor again and she, in doing her job and keeping my and my ladybug’s health in her best interest, shot my worry to a new level by taking my concerns seriously enough to give me steroids. “Just in case the baby comes in the next few days or week.” OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME I WAS CRAZY NOT THAT I WAS RIGHT.

I know she is just being cautious. I know I am hyper-vigilant. I know that things will, in all likelihood, be just fine. But I can’t help being scared all the time. And there is nothing that will make it better. Just time.

In other news, I graduated from medical school on Saturday. It is highly possible that the graduate in the picture below is me, but it is difficult to say for certain.

Patrick’s hair pretty much stole the show, if we’re being honest about things.

We had a party at our house that was super fun. By the end of it, Colin had turned in to a Cake Zombie and was walking around the house with dilated eyes and a chocolate goatee attempting to climb up anyone’s leg who still possessed cake.

“UP UP CAKE UP PEEEEEEES UP CAKE”

Good times. 

Graduation was lovely, albeit a little long. While most people prayed that they wouldn't trip and fall while crossing the stage, I prayed the my water wouldn't break on stage. My mother told me after the ceremony that she heard a very, very young baby cry at one point, and she panicked for a split second, thinking that a brand newly graduated doctor in my row had to deliver my baby for me. Thankfully, we all made it through intact and I can now listen to the ailments of my friends and neighbors with the confidence of a doctor and can tell them to go see a real doctor.