My Loves

Every night, usually between dinner and bath time, we have the following exchange.

COLIN

Okay! It's time for me to go to work!

KATIE!

Colin, we just finished dinner! Let's play for a bit and take a bath.

COLIN

I'm sorry, Mommy I have to work! I love you though! Can you help me find my keys?

He tools around searching for his plastic Lightning McQueen keys, puts his shoes on, and then makes the rounds, kissing everyone, spending an extra moment with Baby Caroline, and heads out the door.

"Bye, Mommy and Daddy! Bye Baby Caroline! I'm going to work!"

Friends, residency is HARD. Yesterday was Colin's third birthday and also my first day off in a while. We threw together a fun party at the last minute, with our family and neighbors (aka extended family), but no long planned shindig like we have done before. I just couldn't swing it. I can't swing much of anything these days. It's a miracle my kids even still respond to me at all.

In fact, Colin calls for his Daddy when he wakes up or when he is hurt. Caroline smiles indiscriminately, but she lights up for Patrick and is merely politely cheerful for me. The dogs greet me like a stranger, and I sometimes feel like a stranger coming home. The kids have already eaten, having had a full day and ready for bed. I'm watching from the outside, wanting desperately to be a part of their day but only catching the very last bit.

Patrick and I are nothing more than ships passing in the night, quite literally. He's been working evening and night shifts, where I have to be asleep by 9:30 to be functional and at work before 5am. He drops off and picks up the kids, I try to remember to pick out clothes for them the night before. He does all the shopping, cooking, and laundry, I try to pick up the house before passing out in bed. He asks about my day and listens and I stumble through my stories, trying to stay awake long enough to connect with him, and mostly failing.

Work itself is going well, I love my job and I feel so honored to be involved in the care of women at one of the most memorable times in their lives. I am learning so much so fast, and I am so grateful to be able to do this work. But I miss my people. I miss my own life and the lives of my kids so much that it hurts.